Saturday, April 26, 2014

As some of you folks know, I recently chucked my hat into the ring for the Like A Virgin Pitch Contest 2014! And thanks to some gross oversight I seem to have stumbled into the final round, where real Agents and Editors (with real capital A’s and E’s!) will give my pitch the Viking funeral it deserves.

But in the spirit of self-immolation, I’m casting it out into the wilderness for anyone to take a swing at before its inevitable reduction to artisanal charcoal. So let me know what you think! And LV14 folks, let me know where your most up-to-date pitch is at and I’ll be happy to weigh in.
So without further ado: das pitch an sich!

TESTAMENT
YA Sci-Fi/Fantasy
125K

QUERY: 

Lethya East should have been a godsend. Trapped in a losing war for survival, humanity needs a heavyweight psymancer like her more than they’ll admit. The authorities can overlook her short fuse, obliterated memory, and catastrophic lack of control if it means pointing her at the enemy.

But nobody will overlook the fact that she’s a girl. Not an empire that’s outlawed women from combat for centuries. Not the commander who enrolls her in his military academy anyway… as long as she follows his agenda. And definitely not her temperamental training partner Ander, who acts like saving her life was his first mistake.

The boys think she’s trumped up. The girls think she’s stuck up. By the time a legal battle erupts over the question of where Lethya belongs, she’s not sure there’s an answer. To make matters worse, the only person who can shed light on her past is the one still haunting Ander’s: his mother. And when she vanishes from behind bars, surviving just a legal fight becomes the least of their worries.

TESTAMENT is a debut dual-POV YA sci-fi/fantasy influenced by the recent changes in American military culture, and a foot-high stack of Tamora Pierce’s books that didn’t budge from my bedside until college. The manuscript is complete at 125,000 words, and sample chapters are available at your request.

FIRST 250:

April 19th, 4355 –

Magnitude 5 earthquake today. Modern buildings fine, observable shifts in some remaining structures behind Columbia Shroud. Most of Starboard just rattled. Even Ander thought it was only a birthday game.
Will assess site impact tomorrow. Odds are unfavorable, but one tunnel may have dislodged rubble blocking it earlier. No telling where it may lead.

- Field Notes of Velia Fane

#

July, 4365

The woman sat alone in the plain room, studying the empty chair across from her. Her fair hair was braided away from a lean face, her dark eyes measuring everything – the graying carpet, the lukewarm light overhead – as if somewhere in her, it was being recorded. Each faded thread in her periwinkle scrubs was accounted for, each dust fleck on the panel in the wall, everything save the slim iron shackles around her wrists.

After seven years, the boy behind the panel knew that look all too well. At the wardens’ nod he stepped into the visiting room, feeling their eyes follow him inside. It was nothing new: they still held out hope she’d say something of use.

He sat, avoiding her stare and unconsciously knotting hands a bit too big for his lanky frame. This had been strange and awkward once. Now, it was just a ritual like any other.

 “Ander.” Velia smiled thinly. “You seem well.”

He made himself look at her. “Thanks, Mom. How are you?”

The smile didn’t waver, but she blinked, and said simply, “They never change the music.”


Feedback from the last draft:
  •           This segment was convoluted in the first draft: “With their futures on the line, her partnership with Ander is already strained; then they find the only way to uncover Lethya’s past is by exhuming the ghosts of his. The key lies with the one riddle Ander can’t decipher: his mother.” Replaced with “To make matters worse, the only person who can shed light on her past is the one still haunting Ander’s: his mother.”
  •           This is so far in the future, it seems implausible that society would move this far backward in gender politics – Totally valid point. There are a lot of factors (cultural regression, attempt to preserve population, etc.) but I’m afraid of getting bogged down in nuance there. Anyone got any thoughts on how to establish it’s not just a “chauvinism because the author says so” scenario?
  •           125K is on the long side, take heed. Heed taken! The first draft was 151K, I’m embarrassed to say, and the battle to bring it down further still rages on.
  •           Disparity between the focus of the query and the focus of the first 250. One focuses on Lethya and the other starts with Ander. Hopefully clarifying that it’s a dual-POV helped connect the dots there, but if that’s not enough, we may need a little more rehab for that. 
Thanks in advance for the feedback, folks, and let me know how I can help y'all out too!


4 comments:

  1. First off - I would label this a straight YA Fantasy - it's then more acceptable to have a longer word count. If you're still struggling to cut it down, maybe make it too books - 60K each.

    I have questions in {} that if answered will help strengthen your pitch:

    Lethya East should have been a godsend {to who}. Trapped in a losing war for survival, humanity needs a heavyweight psymancer {what is this?} like her more than they’ll admit. The authorities can overlook her short fuse, obliterated memory, and catastrophic lack of control if it means pointing her at the enemy.

    But nobody will overlook the fact that she’s a girl. Not an empire that’s outlawed women from combat for centuries {insert here the reason why women can’t fight}. Not the commander who enrolls her in his military academy anyway {so if he thought that why did he enroll her?}… as long as she follows his agenda. And definitely not her temperamental training partner Ander, who acts like saving her life was his first mistake.

    The boys think she’s trumped up. The girls think she’s stuck up. By the time a legal battle erupts over the question of where Lethya belongs, she’s not sure there’s an answer {why? I think you need to put something in about how she was found/saved for this to make sense}. To make matters worse, the only person who can shed light on her past is the one still haunting Ander’s: his mother. And when she vanishes from behind bars, surviving just a legal fight becomes the least of their worries.




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  2. Query Critique:

    Lethya East should have been a godsend. {Agree with Sharon - To who} Trapped in a losing war for survival,{remove the comma} humanity needs a heavyweight psymancer like her more than they’ll admit. The authorities can overlook her short fuse, obliterated memory, and catastrophic lack of control if it means pointing her at the enemy.

    But {Use However here instead of But} nobody will overlook the fact that she’s a girl.{How old is your MC? Is girl appropriate or is woman?} {I would add especially here and lower case n for not} Not an empire that’s outlawed women from combat for centuries. Not the commander who enrolls her in his military academy anyway… as long as she follows his agenda. And definitely not her temperamental training partner Ander, who acts like saving her life was his first mistake.
    {Honestly I would remove the last two sentences or rework them. The last three sentences are sentence fragments. Really try to make good grammatical choices in your pitch with clear concise sentences.}

    The boys think she’s trumped up. The girls think she’s stuck up. By the time a legal battle erupts over the question of where Lethya belongs, she’s not sure there’s an answer. To make matters worse, the only person who can shed light on her past is the one still haunting Ander’s: his mother. And when {This confused me, I still think you're talking about your MC then realized you're talking about Ander's mom} she vanishes from behind bars, surviving just a legal fight becomes the least of their worries.

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  3. I actually like the 250, I just think it's a little hard to follow the second part of it with a few grammatical and punctuation mistakes.

    April 19th, 4355 –

    Magnitude 5 earthquake today. Modern buildings fine, observable shifts in some remaining structures behind Columbia Shroud. Most of Starboard just rattled. Even Ander thought it was only a birthday game.
    Will assess site impact tomorrow. Odds are unfavorable, but one tunnel may have dislodged rubble blocking it earlier. No telling where it may lead.

    - Field Notes of Velia Fane

    {Okay I am confused by this. It seems like it's a ledger at first, but then it doesn't. I would like it in ledger form only or just have it be someone's POV, but with better sentence structure.}

    #

    July, 4365

    The woman sat alone in the plain room, {and studied} studying the empty chair across from her. Her fair hair was braided away{The woman's fair hair was kept braided away} from a lean face, her {remove her} dark eyes measuring everything – the graying carpet, the lukewarm light overhead – as if somewhere in her, it was being recorded. Each faded thread in her periwinkle scrubs was accounted for, each dust fleck on the panel in the wall, {and} everything save the slim iron shackles around her wrists.

    After seven years,{remove comma} the boy behind the panel knew that look all too well. At the wardens’ nod he stepped into the visiting room, {and felt their eyes follow} feeling their eyes follow him inside. It was nothing new: they still held out hope she’d say something of use.

    He sat, avoiding her stare and unconsciously knotting hands a bit too big for his lanky frame. This had been strange and awkward once. Now, it was just a ritual like any other.

    “Ander.” {Use a comma instead of a period} Velia smiled thinly. {Use a comma instead of a period} “You seem well.”

    He made himself look at her. {remove the period 'before he replied,'}“Thanks, Mom. How are you?”

    The smile didn’t waver, but she blinked, and said simply, “They never change the music.”
    {I would add she said simply at the end of the sentence}

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  4. Hey there-- just wanted to share a critique!

    Query: the "pointing her at the enemy" bit seemed ambiguous to me...

    The "trumped up" phrase confused me-- I had to look it up. (But I do like how it reads with the "stuck up" that follows)

    I really enjoy the end of the query, but the 125K is indeed scary!

    I'm also not sure about the choice aspect of the query-- perhaps I'm missing it? I think we're clear that something else other than the legal battle is an issue she'll have to face, but I think the stakes are a little unclear?

    Re: the first 250: I think it's kind of adjective heavy, but I think it works well with your writing. I might add an "all" before being recorded. Loved the intro of the shackles around her wrists.

    Should it be warden's or wardens'? If it's plural like it's written, shouldn't it be nods, not nod? (there are multiple nods going on). That said, it may read oddly if corrected.

    I'd strike the simply at the end.

    Otherwise, I really liked how the 1st 250 read-- made me want to read further; really interesting premise.

    Re: the feedback:

    The gender-politics didn't bother me; it's set so far in the future that we don't know what could have happened to make people so screwed up. I didn't take it as an issue.

    I was OK with the POV until I read the feedback, actually. Now, I'm not sure Ander's focused on enough in the query. I think you try to weave him in, but I...don't know. I also have no idea how to do a dual-MC query, so I can't be much help here.

    Otherwise-- excellent on both points. Just trying to be as knitpicky as I can to help. Good luck!

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